Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
