just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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