I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
