New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
