Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
