I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
