There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
