what day is it and did you see me today?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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