Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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