You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
