Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
