Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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