I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
