I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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