Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
