Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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