Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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