We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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