so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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