dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
