ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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