life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
