At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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