I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
