my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
