...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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