Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
