Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
