This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
