I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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