Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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