You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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