She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
