Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
