I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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