if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
