i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
