Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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