i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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