I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
