Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
