What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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