apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize