Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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