I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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