His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize