I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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