what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
