Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
