My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
