I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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