i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
