Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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