just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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